Tag Archives: anxiety

No “Thriller”

31 Oct

As the other moms danced, steps in unison, costumes masking their identities, I watched. An explosion of appreciation engulfed the gym.  The excitement permeated on the faces of those in applause.  I was one of those applauding but my place should have been among the entertainers.  I should have been a breathless participate.

In a pep rally tribute to our football senior sons, a dance routine was choreographed and rehearsed to “Thriller”.  Because of a forced move to another city, I was unable to attend practices.  Joining in other ways, attempts were made to persuade me to learn on my own, but my confidence was lacking.  Horribly afraid of making a mistake or looking silly, I passed.

I avoided the possible failure of my dancing talents, which I am normally apt.  I avoided missteps and broken rhythm.  I also avoided the thrill of reward.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN…with no regrets!

Tuned In

29 Sep

The beginning of a recent drive, a song resounded from the radio. As I sang along, I absorbed each and every word. And oh how timely. “I can see clearly now the rain is gone”.

As some of you know, I was unemployed for several months. My own doing, a resignation brought on by discontent and the desire for something better. The hope of something better was far higher than my reality. Riding a roller coaster of emotions…from fear, anger, and doubt…to peace, resolve, and drive; I stayed dazed with confusion.

Stepping out of the boat, one of my hopes was that a miraculous door would open. I have certainly knocked on enough to qualify, but the break wasn’t forthcoming.

A recent occurrence, I now have steady income…a job in accounting, but it’s a means not an opportunity. I have come to realize it’s not others that will provide those…it is me. I have my miracle and I had it all along. It’s inside me…the beautiful peace that comes from realizing my own potential.

I’m no longer knocking on doors; I’m going through them.

“It’s gonna be a bright…bright sunshiny day.”

Stay tuned…

Fighting Lizards

14 Apr

There’s this lizard…and it’s BIG!  It lives in the flowerbeds around my patio.

While I watched it from a distance, I just couldn’t force myself to face my fear and jump in.  Jump into the flowerbed, that is.  The weeds needed pulled, the shrubs needed trimmed, the mulch needed replaced.  But I was scared…so I let that lizard, and his rowdy friends, keep me from beautifying my garden.

Today…round 1, weeds…and I won.   I was tentative but knew it had to be done.  At first I tiptoed quietly peering into every crevice.  Then a bit relaxed, almost forgetting the enemy’s presence.  And finally…the feeling I did it… in spite of this fear, whether rational or not…I did it.  I flexed my muscles, patted myself on the back, and knew I could conquer more.

Perhaps fears are keeping us from tending our life garden.  Imaginably our fears are big creepy lizards, or evil venomous snakes.  But we should face them, one weed at a time.  If we fight, we may find that gargantuan thing we feared so much was really not so big after all.

If you look close (center of picture) you can see…the lizard that turned out to be not so big after all.

If you look really REALLY close (center of picture) you can see…the lizard that turned out not so big after all.

Texas Two Step

23 Jan

Two steps forward, one step back.

Growth doesn’t always make a straight and narrow path.  Often it is met with resistance.  A negative thought, a naysayers comment, a minor snafu can set you back.  Leaving a job without my future laid out for me…originally exciting, initially uplifting, then panic ensues.  I have to remember the confidence that allowed me to make that leap.  And that confidence was born of faith.

They say it’s always darkest before the dawn.  They say you are closest to your victory when you face the greatest opposition.  They say the devil works hardest when God’s the closest.

Do I believe?  I have to!  Why should that faith I so boldly wrote about a few weeks ago be any less today?  Because I know…two steps forward, one step back is progress.  And with that, I’ll continue my dance.

Black Shoes Brown Shoes

20 Jan

I walked in, head high, shoulders back, and impeccably groomed.  My attitude, my smile, and my confidence were in sync with the physical presence and I was ready!  Summoned by a recent job search, this was my first interview since I left my long-time job.

As I interacted and moved about the office to handle necessary paperwork, I felt an incredible confidence.  I eventually took a spot in an adjacent office awaiting my interviewer.  As I shifted my legs for a more comfortable position…there they were.  BROWN shoes!  I was mortified.

Brown shoes are fine if your attire calls for brown shoes.  But noooo…my attire called for BLACK shoes.

Okay, so now what?  Flustered, red in the face, and so disappointed in myself, I tried to make the best.  I couldn’t let a pair of shoes negate all the good I had in me.  So began the self talk.  “Cindy, they’re just shoes.  They are a minor glitch in your presence.  You have more to offer than the color of your shoes.”

I repositioned my feet, strategically positioned my purse, and shifted the negative thoughts.  I sailed through the interview with composure and pride and upon arrival to my car; those shoes came off with a chuckle.  The way I see it…if I don’t get a job based solely on the color of my shoes, then I probably don’t want the job anyway.  And…I’m good with that.

The Blogger’s Clique

13 Jan

Guided by the red star beckoning to tell me who “liked” my post, I clicked with anticipation.  It was a loyal follower who finds yet another reason to lift my spirits.  They become my circle…the ones I know I can count on. They don’t hit the button just because they’re “in” my crowd.  You can tell.  They are actually interested.

And then the others…the others I want to hang out with too.  It’s like being in high school all over again.   Come on, don’t you like me?  Don’t you notice I like you?  And if it’s not high school, it’s even worse.  I feel like the little one tugging on the popular teacher’s skirt.  If you’ll just look down you might notice me.  And most often they don’t.

From the office, to Facebook, to blogging, and so on.  Will it ever not be like high school?

Okay…so I regressed for a minute, now I am back to my much wiser, older self.  And you know…it’s okay.  It is really okay.  I like my circle.  I find comfort there.  And I hope they find comfort there too.

The Ants Come Marching In

9 Dec

It’s 1:30 in the morning.  My son just woke me up from a deep sleep to tell me we have an ant infestation in the kitchen.  Ugh.  Couldn’t it have waited until morning?  I mean, seven or eight o’clock morning.

Groggily, I put out the ant bait and retreat to bed once more.  And then…it gets me.  Reality.  Coming off a writer’s high, this brought me down and threatens to take me out.  Am I in fantasy land or the real world with this writing stuff?  Fairy tale or realism?  Visions of sugar plums or pesky insects?

Those darn ants are messing with my head.  They remind me that no matter how spiritual, or soulful, or optimistic I may be…there are always ants.  So in this complex head of mine, I ponder the chicken or the egg debate.  Without a chicken there couldn’t be an egg?  Or was it the other way around?  Oh wait, that’s the wrong debate.

Go away ants.  I’m tired of all this clucking.  And come on tomorrow…I feel the need to write.

 

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